What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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