Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
