its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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