evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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