To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
