Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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