so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
