Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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