"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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