he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
