I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
