I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
