Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
