WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Just puked most of my soul out..
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