the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
