Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We need to get me chipped asap
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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