You made me cry and you don't even care
Are we in a gay sports bar?
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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