Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize