if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
