I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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