I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
