how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I have post one night stand depression
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
