I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
