I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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