I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
