i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
