Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
All I want is dick and wine.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
