If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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