im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
