a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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