the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
