So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
