tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
