pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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