I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
