Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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