I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
