My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
