M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
