Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
