look no pants
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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