On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
