thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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