This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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