the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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