I accidentally had phone sex last night
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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