Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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