Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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