I am midnight drunk by noon
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
