Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
