Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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