You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I will pee on everything he values.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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