she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize