If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
