Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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