watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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