Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
